Birds and Bees and Educated Fleas
by Nightsmoke
Summary: The title should be self-explanatory. Request fic, please read the description inside, thanks!
1. Chapter 1

**Birds and Bees and Educated Fleas**

scroll down at own risk.

_PLEASE READ:_ This is a request fic from Mortimerscross (/u/1333650/) for the Bleach Fanfiction Challenge. **The plot and concept is all hers.** This is just my interpretation. I may not necessarily support the pairing, but that doesn't really matter when I write; I just like to have fun. And besides, it's an interesting perspective to write about something you don't usually write about.

A/N: God, I haven't written anything with Bleach in _ages!_ I hope all of the characters retain their proper personalities, and I'll try to keep them as in-character as I can.

_Plot Bunny: Ichigo, too scared to have his father do it and too embarrassed to do it himself asks Orihime to give his little sisters the "coming of age" talk. Hopefully funniness ensues and I'll try not to kill the plot bunny. _

**All characters of Bleach © Kubo Tite**

* * *

**I.**

_(The Real World)_

_._

"I'm sorry, Inoue," Kurosaki Ichigo apologized for about the seventh time that day. The copper-haired girl tossed her long locks behind her shoulder and smiled tentatively at him.

"It's alright, Kurosaki-kun, I understand," she reassured him again. "I would feel uncomfortable too, if I was in your shoes." Her gray eyes were large, round, and sympathetic.

Ichigo laughed sheepishly, scratching the back of his flaming hair. "Yeah, you're the only one I feel comfortable asking, actually," he said. At this Orihime's cheeks darkened slightly, but the substitute shinigami failed to notice this.

Despite having Orihime there to help, Ichigo still felt a tad uncomfortable (if not a bit guilty for having his childhood friend perform such a troublesome task on his behalf).

While walking on the afternoon streets of Karakura, Ichigo couldn't help but reminisce on the first time this situation arose, when he was twelve. That had been extremely… unpleasant for him. Not so much for his father. Ichigo shuddered internally, remembering that little _discussion_. He recalled his father sitting him down one night after his sisters had fallen asleep, and then hell had commenced.

--

"_Good evening, my idiot son!" Isshin greeted as he swung open the bedroom door_,_ refraining from engaging Ichigo in a manly wrestling-match only because it would wake up the girls._

"_Oyaji," Ichigo grumbled. "What are you doing in my room so late? I don't feel like fighting."_

"_Oh, you're in for something better than that," his father replied. There was a devious glint in his dark eyes that Ichigo didn't like one bit._

"_Huh?"_

"_I'm going to talk to you about something very special tonight, Ichigo because I think you're about ready for it," Isshin said matter-of-factly, taking a seat in the desk-chair beside his son's bed._

Uh oh…

"_Now, my son," he began. "When boys reach your age, they start to have sudden…_urges_ for things. Sudden feelings. Take it from me, I used to be your age! Hah, hah, HAH!"_

_Twelve-year old Ichigo felt his right eyebrow begin to twitch sporadically._

"_So, these urges can come from…"_

_--_

Ichigo painfully recalled the "coming of age" talk, Kurosaki Isshin style. After that night, Ichigo knew things about the opposite sex he didn't want to know he didn't want to know. He couldn't so much as glance at his female classmates for a week afterwards without feeling all hot and uncomfortably fuzzy.

"…Kurosaki-kun?"

Ichigo blinked himself out of his reverie. "Sorry, Inoue. I was just remembering when Oyaji gave me the talk. I _definitely_ don't want him doing it this time—Yuzu and Karin have been scarred enough by him already." Orihime giggled quietly.

"And asking Rukia or Tatsuki to do it would be just plain awkward," Ichigo continued. "Not that I don't think they can, but it'd just be…uncomfortable for me to ask." Ichigo envisioned what the bruises would look like if he had attempted to ask either one of them to do what he was having Inoue do.

And _he_ certainly couldn't do it, nuh-uh. Battling leviathan hollows, menos grandes, and bloodthirsty shinigami seemed like a cinch next to giving the "coming of age" talk to his two younger sisters.

"So I'll come over tonight, Kurosaki-kun?" Orihime asked. They had stopped in front of her house. It looked so dark from the outside, Ichigo thought, despite the time of day. The windows looked like gaping mouths, an abyss of shadows.

He gave a quick nod. "Yeah, pops'll be busy treating some patients tonight. You can come over for dinner if you want too; we have normal food at the Kurosaki Clinic."

She smiled brightly and waved from her doorstep. "See you later, then!"

Orihime closed the front door behind her, welcoming the thick silence of her house. She heaved a sigh and went to fix some bread and sweet-bean paste for herself. True, she did agree to give Karin and Yuzu the _talk_, but saying you were going to do something was always harder than actually doing it.

What on earth was she going to say?

* * *

_to be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Birds and Bees and Educated Fleas**

Chapter 2 here, reviews are welcome!

_All characters of Bleach © Kubo Tite_

_--_

**II.**

"Orihime!"

"Orihime-san!"

"G-good evening, Karin-chan, Yuzu," Orihime blinked at the Kurosaki family's doorstep.

"We haven't seen you in ages! Did Ichi-nii invite you over for a school project?" Yuzu inquired, her hazelnut eyes wide and pure.

Orihime gave a little sigh. "No, not exactly, Yuzu…" she trailed off, averting her eyes.

"Inoue!" A petite, violet-eyed girl poked her head into the open doorway with a warm expression.

"Oh, hello, Kuchiki-san!"

"How are—"

"—Aah! Inoue!" A relieved-but-flushed-looking Ichigo arrived, panting. "Sorry, I had to take care of a…troublesome toy." The two Kurosaki sisters looked confused while Rukia, Orihime, and Ichigo exchanged an amused knowing glance. No, it wouldn't be good to have a stuffed animal in the room during this chat. Particularly one shaped like a lion that talks.

"Anyway," Ichigo went on, grabbing his backpack, "Inoue's actually here to talk to _you_ guys," he told his two sisters.

"Us?"

He nodded. "Rukia and I have to run over to the library for some books we forgot to pick up. Now, be good and listen to her, alright?"

Yuzu smiled, showing dimples. "Sure, anything for Orihime-san!" Karin gave a nod.

"Later." Ichigo and Rukia left with their backpacks and were soon lost into the night. Orihime gulped in their silence. She was alone, all alone now.

"Orihime? You… look kind of nervous."

"Oh, it's nothing, Karin-chan," she smiled reassuringly and gave a little titter. "Your brother just wanted me to…tell you some things tonight."

"Bah!" Karin rolled her eyes, which were almost the same color as Kuchiki-san's, Orihime noticed. "That's just like our brother to make other people do his dirty work for him!"

"No, no, I don't mind!" Orihime replied, waving her hand. "It's just something that everyone eventually has to know, and I'm not really used to telling people."

This quieted down Karin's imagination, which had been whirling with visions of shinigami, hollows, and other supernatural creepies. She doubted that everyone knew about ghosts.

"Ne, Orihime-san, can you show us how to make those 'super-deluxe' sundaes I hear you make at home?" Yuzu the little chef asked suddenly.

At this Orihime brightened considerably, beaming. "Sure!" The talk could wait just a little bit—there was gourmet cooking to be done. "We'll do this first," she added, breezing past the two girls and into the kitchen. "Now, I hope you have gummy bears and peanuts for this…"

--

"She's going to _**WHAT?"**_ Rukia spluttered before a culpable-faced Ichigo. They were almost at the library, the sky having faded into a dark indigo wash. Of course it had been inevitable; Rukia knew that they had no library books to retrieve. It was only a matter of time before she would question Ichigo's motives, and the shinigami substitute couldn't bring himself to lie.

"I said she's going to—"

_Whap!_ "Ichigo, you fool!" After smacking Ichigo atop the head Rukia calmed herself a bit, sighed, and began again. "Why are you making Inoue do this?"

"Shouldn't you know by now that my dad's not to be trusted?" Ichigo replied begrudgingly.

The corners of Rukia's mouth turned up and her eyes narrowed foxily. "Or, can it be that you're just afraid of explaining the ways of the female body, Ichigo? Are you shy?"

"Just shut up," he replied, thankful for the darkness of the night that masked his red ears.

--

"…And so the kitty turned into a beautiful princess and married the prince disguised as a candle-shop owner, and the two lived happily ever after. The end."

"Wow, that was great, Orihime-san!"

"I have to admit, Orihime," Karin said through a mouthful of ice cream, "you have some creative stories. Where do you get these ideas from?"

Orihime licked her spoon. "Oh, sometimes they just come to me," she replied offhandedly. She looked at her empty bowl sadly. "Now Yuzu, Karin-chan…Kurosaki-kun wants me to tell you this, so we might as well get it done with."

The two eleven-year olds exchanged a glance, simultaneously rising and placing their dishes in the sink. "Don't worry, Orihime-san," Yuzu reassured the older girl. "Whatever it is, it can't be _that_ bad." Orihime gave a wan smile.

One in the girls' bedroom, the copper-haired teenager drew up a chair and regarded the sisters, all fresh and clean in their pajamas. Yuzu tucked a strand of sandy hair behind her ear and cuddled her pillow. Karin lay on her stomach at the foot of her bed. Both eyed Orihime attentively. The girl in question swallowed with an audible click.

"So, you know that you two are going to hit your teens soon," Orihime began, pausing to see if she was going to be interrupted. Silence ensued, so she continued.

"And especially for girls, your bodies change a lot during this time, as well as your minds, because everything's growing. Kurosaki-kun thinks it's about time I give you the talk about—"

"—wait a minute, Orihime." Karin was holding up a hand. She looked sheepish, which was an expression not often seen on the tough tomboy's face. "You don't need to give us The Talk."

"You don't have to be sympathetic, Karin-chan," Orihime smiled and flopped her hand. "I agreed to this, so I might as well do it."

"Karin's right," Yuzu piped up optimistically. "You don't need to do it, actually. We've already gotten the Sex Talk and the other talks from our health teachers this year."

"Yeah," Karin agreed, nodding.

Orihime suddenly felt her chest become a few pounds lighter. "So you guys don't need The Talk?"

"Nope," Karin and Yuzu responded happily, seeing the other girl unclench visibly.

"Oh," Orihime replied. It was all she could say.

"Hey, Orhime?" She turned to Karin, who was holding up a DVD.

"Since Ichi-nii isn't here, do you want to watch Pirates of the Caribbeanwith us?"

--

Rukia shot a sideways glance at her orange-haired partner. "Come on, Ichigo," she chided. "Isn't this mall-place you took me to meant for enjoyment and leisure?"

"Your point?"

"Presumably you're supposed to be having a good time, but I'm not convinced."

"I'm just nervous, that's all," Ichigo muttered darkly. "I hope Inoue is okay with the girls."

Rukia answered, "I'm sure she is."

"Yeah, but I wouldn't mind checking up on them," Ichigo said. "I have a strange feeling, Rukia."

"Is it like that feeling you had when we left Kon in your body for the first time and he ended up smooching all of the girls in your freshman class?" Rukia inquired.

"…No…" Ichigo struggled. "I…I just want to see how they're doing. They're _my_ sisters."

"Well, since I can't enjoy the carousel when you're like this, would it make you feel better if we secretly checked up on them?"

Ichigo's head snapped up. "I'll take that as a yes," Rukia responded dryly. "Come on, fool, let's head back home."

"Thanks, Rukia," he said, and the two turned around and headed back towards the Kurosaki clinic.

"But you owe me bigtime, Ichigo. Cotton candy this time."

_to be continued..._


	3. Chapter 3

_Birds and Bees and Educated Fleas_

Here is chapter three, the final chapter. Sorry this took so long, hope you enjoy!

Bleach and its characters (c) Kubo Tite

* * *

**III.**

"—Ow, Ichigo, your elbow's in my—"

"—Ssh, stop complaining, midget!"

Rukia gave her partner a sour look, although by now it was too dark to see much of anything. She couldn't believe that they were hiding in the bushes, waiting for Kurosaki Isshin to be distracted so that they could enter the house undetected. How immature.

Luckily, the telephone rang in the downstairs clinic, giving the two an opportunity to creak open the door and tiptoe upstairs. Sweat stood out on their foreheads and their hearts pounded in their chests.

"Try to conceal your reiatsu, fool," Rukia whispered, although she knew it was futile. That boy oozed spirit energy like a leaky faucet.

Ichigo and Rukia reached the door to Karin and Yuzu's room. It was closed. Ichigo's mind conjured up horrible mental images of Orihime trying to explain sex using various household objects and-or stuffed animals. He groaned silently and shook his head, earning himself a questioning stare from Rukia. She quietly slinked to the other side of the closed bedroom door and gingerly placed her ear to the wood, motioning for Ichigo to do the same.

He did, and was surprised to hear giggling emanating from behind the thin door.

"I love this part, Orihime!"

Ichigo's coffee-colored eyes met indigo ones. "…"

"I know, Yuzu! How does he do that so well?"

Ichigo heard Karin reply, "It's all in the footwork. I should know, playing soccer and all."

"Yes, but the other guy does it well too."

Unknown to them, on the other side of the door their older brother's eyes almost popped out of his head.

"But Karin-chan, he has a bigger sword."

At this Rukia flushed a dull rose-red color and looked at the floor. She could feel Ichigo doing the same. He squashed his ear to the door, but could only faintly make out that they were watching some kind of film, and nothing else.

"It doesn't matter who has a bigger sword," Ichigo heard his sister reply. "He's going to get it stuck in the door anyway when he tries to prevent Jack from leaving."

And sure enough, Ichigo heard three cries of exclamation a moment later.

"All right!"

"Haha, he can't get it out now! It's stuck!"

Ichigo started to make small sounds akin to a beached fish. Rukia wore an expression of stupefaction mixed with embarrassment. However, Orihime and the girls weren't finished yet.

"Oh, dear, I wonder what Jack's going to do now…"

Yuzu replied, "Don't you remember, Orihime-san? He's gonna use the hot poker in a minute."

Rukia's eyebrows shot up, and Ichigo was feeling more than a little uncomfortable in his pants. Just what was Orihime showing his sisters?

"Ah, he just burned the ass!"

That was the last straw.

"ALRIGHT, WHAT THE _HELL_ ARE YOU THREE WATCHING?" Ichigo burst into his sisters' bedroom, the hue of his face almost matching his hair. Rukia popped out from behind the irate teenager with a curious look.

"I-Ichi-nii?"

"Kurosaki-kun? Wh—"

"Now, I want to know what kind of _sick_ video you've been watching," Ichigo began, striding into the room. "And don't give me that innocent look. Ahh, I never should have—"

He was interrupted by a peculiar sound, only peculiar because it was so out of place and his mind could not register why he was hearing this sound now. Ichigo whirled around behind him to the source of the noise, and felt his anger abate into shock.

"Rukia…?" The small shinigami was laughing, laughing so hard that she was doubled over, clutching her sides. Ichigo blinked. The petite shinigami was not know to laugh like this, unless it was at his expense or someone else's.

"Ichigo, you _fool!" _Rukia wheezed, eyes tearing up. "You moron!"

Orihime and the Kurosaki sisters eyed the pair with wide-eyed confusion. "Did we do something wrong, Kuchiki-san?" Orihime inquired softly.

Rukia snorted, wiping her eyes. "No, Inoue." She turned to Yuzu and Karin, jabbing a thumb at a bewildered Ichigo. "Your idiot brother over there thought that Inoue was giving you The Talk by showing you nasty-videos. Shows what kind of mind he has."

"We already learned about that stuff, in health class, Ichi-nii," Yuzu chimed.

"Yeah, Orihime didn't have to tell us a thing!"

Ichigo had finally found his voice. "Th-then, what were you guys watching?" He pointed with a jittery finger to the television, glancing at it for the first time. Paused on the screen was a very sweaty and curry-covered William Turner in mid-jump with Captain Jack Sparrow below him, brandishing a white-hot iron and looking maniacally gleeful.

"P-P-P—"

"Pirates of the Carribean," Rukia finished for him smugly. "I hear it's a popular movie amongst—"she corrected herself mid-sentence, about to say _amongst humans_—"girls." She gazed at the two fighting actors, frozen mid-battle for all eternity until someone decided to press 'play' on the remote-control. "Hmm, see why now. They _are_ pretty cute, although I have seen bigger swords—"

"Alright, Rukia," Ichigo curtailed Rukia before she could continue. "Sorry, Inoue," he apologized guiltily.

Orihime beamed. "That's alright, Kurosaki-kun. Would you and Kuchiki-san like to finish the movie with us?"

"Sure, Inoue," Rukia replied, comfortably seating herself next to the three girls, grabbing a grumbling Ichigo with her.

So, they all spent the rest of the night watching Pirates of the Caribbean in Karin and Yuzu's room. Orihime hadn't needed to give the girls The Talk after all, and this meant neither would Kurosaki Isshin. The only one who was mentally scarred that night was Ichigo, but after seeing his sisters, Orihime, and Rukia, his family and friends so happy and having fun, he soon forgot about the whole ordeal.

_The End._

* * *

--

(epilogue)

Ichigo: "Eh? Who the hell are you?"

Rukia: "More importantly, how can you see us?"

Sodi: (naively) "Am I not supposed to see you, shinigamis?"

Rukia: (whispers to Ichigo) "I can't sense _any_ reiatsu from him at all…"

Ichigo: (whispers back) "None?" Rukia shakes her head. "Now, you didn't answer my question, kid. Who are you?"

Sodi: "Me? I'm nobody, really." Grins. "Just one of the author's original characters making an unexpected cameo at the end of her fanfiction that readers won't pay any attention to anyway. By the way, what Child are you guys?"

Ichigo: (whispers to Rukia) "What Child? Man, this author must be weird. This kid's eyes don't even match at all. And what's up with him being able to see us if he has no reiatsu?"

Rukia: "Are you a spirit? Or a shinigami? Answer me!"

Sodi: "Neither, unfortunately. Although, I daresay it would be nice to have super powers like you all do."

Ichigo: "Super powers?"

Rukia: "Then, how are you able to see and talk to us?"

Sodi: "Perhaps I am something of a ghost, at least by your standards."

Ichigo: "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Sodi: "Ssh, it's a secret."

Ichigo: "Teme, I oughtta kill you."

Rukia: "Ichigo!"

Sodi: (shrugs) "I wouldn't mind. It's not like I can die anyway."

Ichigo: "I've had enough of this author's characters. Why do they have to be so confusing?"

Rukia: "Don't jinx us, Ichigo. I've heard she has even stranger ones in the story she writes. And besides, we've only met one."

Sodi: (laughs) "I'm strange? This author tells me you have talking stuffed animals in your world, not to mention people who can fly."

Ichigo: "…Is that not normal?"

Rukia: "Idiot, he probably comes from a different world than ours."

Sodi: "And a different time, I presume. Before I depart, can you show me what this device called a toaster is? We don't have them in Molide."

Rukia: "…"

Ichigo: "…"

_The End, really._


End file.
